As you may know, I’ve begun posting at MyLot, which is a silly website that pays you for posting. There’s several breastfeeding topics there, all full of the usual junk. And I’m back facing something I’ve not had to face since I had Wally and stopped posting on mainstream parenting websites – breastfeeding guilt. (or, I guess, it’s more accurate to say “non breastfeeding guilt.)
You know, the same guilt that made the Ad Council back down from their original ad campaign pointing out the dangers of not breastfeeding (illness, death, etc.). Because we don’t want to make anyone feel guilty.
I have always maintained that nobody can make anyone feel guilty or bad for parenting (or any other) decisions or choices. Only you are in charge of your feelings. Nobody else. If a person feels guilty about something…or judged by others…or bad about a choice – that can only come from INSIDE that person.*
So worrying that saying that breastfeeding is best might make those who use formula feel bad about their choice is silly. If they have made a choice that formula is what is best for their family, there is no reason for them to feel guilty. (Likewise, if they GENUINELY tried but were unable to breastfeed, there is no reason to feel guilty for using alternate foods.) A person who makes a good decision should feel confident and satisfied that they made the best decision they could.
But there are of course two problems here: 1) Many people don’t really make an educated decision, they just bow to pressure, or do what all their friends do, or do what their doctor told them. 2) Many people are not self-confident about their decisions. (I’ll leave theorizing about the reasons for this to the experts. I would think it has something to do with self-esteem.)
(I’ll note that those who make a half-hearted attempt to nurse and then give up because they really wanted to do formula all along and then go around telling everyone how hard nursing was and they were unable to do it SHOULD feel guilty. Not for how they choose to feed their children – i’ll leave that aside for now – but for their part in spreading misinformation about breastfeeding.)
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Let’s stop and examine this for a second. I didn’t intended to go here when I started typing, but what I said above should hold true for me, as well. A person who has made the best decision for their family should feel confident and not guilty. Well, I’m giving myself two weeks to determine if I have indeed made the best decision for my family, lol. THEN we’ll decide how guilty or confident I should feel…
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On a different note, it’s funny how much misinformation there is out there about breastfeeding. I’ve been told in the past few days:
- Breastmilk is no good after 1 year
- There are no benefits to nursing after 1 year.
- There is no reason to nurse after 6 months.
- Breastfeeding after age 2 will psychologically harm the child. (by a woman with a masters in child development)
- Our culture is unique in that extended nursing is harmful here, but nowhere else.
- you have to stop nursing when babies get teeth.
- babies bite you when they nurse (physically impossible)
- Mothers who nurse after 2 years are doing so for sexual stimulation. (My personal favorite.)
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* I think it is this firm belief that lets me sail through life, aware of the harsh judgements from others re: breastfeeding, cosleeping, vaccines, homeschooling, gentle discipline, attachment parenting, sling wearing, elimination communication, cloth diapers, even choosing to stay at home but without it really bothering me that much. Do I know that most people think I’m an idiot, insane, and possibly reckless in putting my child in harm’s way? Yes. Do I know that many people think I’m a bad mom? Or at least irresponsible and selfish? Yes.
Do I care? Not one bit.
Why? Confidence. I’ve done my research. I’ve examined my heart. I know that the way I am parenting is what is best – best for us and, in some cases, just best in general. Studies have proven that things like full-time parenting, breastfeeding, and babywearing are just better. There’s no room for argument. It’s just true. And the reading I’ve done and my own instincts confirm that my other choices are what is best for us, best for Wally. And that’s enough for me. I don’t need external verification. I don’t need outside approval. I don’t need someone patting my back and saying “oh, you’re making good choices.” I know I am, and that’s all that really matters.
And everyone else can go to hell. 
interesting!!!
Great post Sarah…ditto to everything!
[...] And given the push on new moms to breastfeed I’m not surprised most of my strange dreams revolved around nursing. (In one dream, I was trying to breastfeed the baby but he kept slipping off. He’d look up, blink with his big eyes, and then in a squeaky voice tell me that he couldn’t drink any of my boob juice because he preferred Tropicana.) [...]
I totally agree – only an individual can be responsible for how they feel – guilty or otherwise. And props to you for thinking through and standing by your parenting choices. There’s so much pressure on mothers from all directions to be a certain way. It takes some backbone to decide what you’re going to do and not let the flak deter you.
I really liked your post. My husband and I are planning to start a family and I have been doing tremendous research. There is a lot of conflicting dos and don’t out there but certain things make more sense to me than others like such as elimination communication, breastfeeding, sleeping in the same bed, etc
Thank you so much for your confidance, it inspires me to not only keep searching but to not be afraid to do things “different” than the everyone else.
God bless you.
I am so glad I found your blog! Just browsing aimlessly and came acrossed it. We are a single income family, as well. The struggles you write of and 100% accurate, but our girls are so much better off for it. No, they don’t have the latest fashions, and often the clothes they are wearing are old and faded, but they will benefit from it, one day.