Parents and Family Relationships

Family relationships can be so hard. When there’s trouble in a friendship, it’s usually not quite as hard to talk through it as it is to talk through troubles in a family relationship. I’m not sure why, really, it just is. And when the trouble reaches the point that it becomes necessary to extract yourself from the relationship or even just set up some healthy borders, it’s even more troublesome. Then there’s that whole “honor your parents” thing, right?

I don’t think it’s a big secret that I have some difficulties in my relationship with my mom. A while back, Randy bought me a book called Adult to Adult. That book really helped me think through a few things, among them what forgiveness means, and also what it means to honor your parents.

The book suggests that Honoring your parents is NOT:

1) Fear. Sometimes people avoid being open or honest out of fear. They are afraid of the response they’ll receive. But this means there is never a genuine relationship.

2) Apathy. Some people give up because they’ve been frustrated by their past attempts at having an honest relationship. They devalue the relationship to avoid emotional pain.

3) Avoidance. (this was my biggie, still is) “Some people view their parents as imcapable of change or growth, so they stay as far from real issues as they possibly can. But it isn’t honoring your parents to behave as if they can’t handle the more dificult issues of life. If anything, avoidance implies a belief that your parents aren’t really deserving of honor and respect.”

4) Placating. This is actually dishonoring your parents by treating them like children.

What Honoring IS:

1) Valuing the relationship enough to invest time and effort. Perhaps that means not accepting certain behaviors because they destroy the relationship, sometimes it means changing yourself.

2) Treating parents as we would like to be treated. Honest, direct, and open, not cold or insensitive. Understanding they are people with feelings, fears, defenses.

Obviously, cutting off a relationship with your parents is a drastic step and a last resort. It’s also far easier than dealing with problems head-on.

Far more difficult is saying “Hey, I love you and I value our relationship. Because of that, I need to talk to you about ____.” or “because of that, I need to set this limit: ____” Example: “I love you and I want to continue to have pleasant phone conversations with you. However, it really bothers me when you try to solve my problems for me. I’d appreciate it if, in the future, you could try to just listen when I’m frustrated and not offer advice unless I ask for it.” I’ve had that conversation. It was followed up a few months later by “Do you remember when I asked you to stop telling me what to do all the time? (OK, and my tone of voice was a little, um, unpleasant. I was PISSED and not too diplomatic, I’m sorry to say.) Well, this is what I was talking about! Unfortunately, if you can’t stop yourself from telling me what to do all the time, I’m going to have to stop talking to you about things that are bothering me.”

It’s almost like dealing with small children. Define the problem. Suggest a solution or set a limit. Follow through. Remind. If that limit doesn’t work, set another one, or institute some sort of consequence. Follow through.

Once I asked the ladies at Gentle Christian Mothers what to do about telling my mom I was going to homebirth. (which I still haven’t done, but am waiting to see if I get PG again. I mean, why have the conversation if I don’t need to?) I was and still am quite apprehensive about that conversation, considering that she is REALLY anti-homebirth. I was struck nearly speechless when the response was “you need to use Grace-Based Discipline with her.”

But that’s really what it is. It’s gentle discipline, but with parents instead of children.

The book does suggest limiting contact as a last resort. The example given was a set of parents who were for some reason telling lies about their adult daughter to others, including the daughter’s children. The daughter sent a letter to them basically saying that, although they had tried several times to reach an agreement about stopping the lies, the parents were persisting in spreading them, so they were limiting contact for six months. Phone calls would not be returned, letters would be returned to sender. They suggested a limited time period as a “trial” to see if that makes the offender realize that things are Pretty Serious. And if nothing changes, then you’ve done your best and it’s time to move on.

But that’s for parents.

I personally believe that parents are different from other family members. We have no Biblical mandate regarding grandparents, aunts, sisters in law, or siblings. I do believe that we need to strive for harmonious relationships with family, if for no other reason than it makes typical family gatherings much more pleasant. But some family members just do their darndest to be unpleasant, and then it’s a judgment call.

If you can suck it up and sit tight through the few times a year you see the offender, and there’s no moral or physical harm being done, it’s probably best to just suck it up and sit tight. If you can set a few boundaries with the person (even if they don’t know about them) and that enables you to be with them and generally pleasantly getting along, that’s probably the best thing to do. (Example: I have in my head a few boundaries with a family member that they don’t know about. I can handle this person in small doses and I have clearly identified my triggers with this person. When we hit a trigger, I excuse myself and find something else to do. Having a small child has proven very useful, lol. I have also set one firm boundary that, if it is crossed, will trigger some action on my part and will involve this person becoming acutely aware of the the boundary and the rule that it is not to be crossed ever again.)

But sometimes, a person is so offensive that no amount of sucking it up will help. And talking to them about the issue has proven to be futile. And it’s something you can’t ignore, or perhaps the person is causing physical or moral harm. And it’s really best to just cut your losses and extract yourself from the relationship.

Even if it means that you miss family Thanksgiving. Even if it means you don’t go to a wedding. Even if it means your kids don’t get to know a part of their family. Sometimes it’s just for the best. But that’s a call that only those involved can make.

I made mine. For a while, we had no contact with my mom’s family. After a few years, we had limited contact, but we all had decided to make an effort to be friendly and polite. And that’s largely where it ends. And that’s OK. You don’t have to be best friends with someone just because you’re related to them.