In which Sarah reconciles the person she wants to be with the person she is, again

And here I am, running right into my same problem. I want to be relaxed. I’m not. I was. I’m happy about that. Once the kidney problem stopped being such an issue, I had about three weeks there where I really didn’t have a care in the world.

Then the fair. Lots of pain. And since then, I’ve been out of alignment and then I found out my hemoglobin is really low and now I’m worried about two things which I tell myself are silly, but might not be.

1) my kidney or something is bleeding internally, causing the low hemoglobin. (I mean, unlikely, right?)

2) I’m having premature labor.

#1 is just not worth talking about. It’s highly unlikely.

#2, I mean, I’m not. But it IS something I’m at risk for. And I seem to have all the symptoms, but yet I’m certain it’s not actually premature labor. Leaking fluid – well, I’m sure it’s not amniotic fluid, but I sure am leaking from that area. Drip drip drip drip. So there’s the little thread of doubt – “but, Sarah, how do you know it’s not amniotic fluid?” Truth? I don’t.    Achy lower back. Yes, have that. More likely related to cleaning the tool room and spending too much time hunched over my sewing desk. And yet…     Crampiness/contractions, yes. Sort of. It’s hard to distinguish a contraction from the baby moving around. And sometimes the baby moves around and it hurts like a mofo. WTH?

And, tonight, something I ate didn’t agree with me and I have an upset stomach. That is how I started labor with Wally.

And I don’t want to be one of those women. You know, those women. The “I think I’m in labor” 100 times women.

I was so proud of myself with Wally, I had several episodes of regular contractions, but each time I really knew it was NOT labor and did not get worked up about it. Even when I was actually in labor, I didn’t really believe it. Something tells me this time will not be like that.

I hate how I’m different now. I hate that I hate myself for it.

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3 responses to “In which Sarah reconciles the person she wants to be with the person she is, again

  1. Hmmm… Number A) Don’t be so hard on yourself! and Number B) Not good if it is indeed amniotic fluid. Rather than speculate, it’s a very simple test they can do right in your doctor’s office – a little strip of paper that will turn a different color if it is, indeed, the precious water. Call your doctor TOMORROW and tell them!

    BHW

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