and isn’t my blog just a joy to read these days?
But I have all the symptoms… not interested in doing things that normally interest me. or anything. I haven’t even been knitting much. I haven’t been sewing. I don’t want to pack up and ship the final batch of orders. I don’t want to clean. Or organize. Or do inventory. Or pack for Oh Baby. Or pack for Friday, good Lord I really don’t want to do that. I’m listless. I cry a lot. I am disassociating myself from people. I wasn’t sad when Wally wanted to leave babywearing early yesterday. I wanted all of my customers to go to away and leave me alone (sorry, nothing personal, ladies). I’m easily upset.
I obviously need to get over this, but I’m stuck here between “well, the gal who did my Reiki session said I need to accept my emotions without judgement” and “I need to stop being so hard on myself”
I had a prenatal with Kari this morning and she’s just not as nurturing as Cosette. We had a good appointment and talked about a lot of stuff, but I always leave Cosette feeling reassured and confident and I seem to always leave Kari feeling vaguely worried and upset. She essentially said that I need to accept that Friday’s Version may lead to a C/S and that’s OK. (BUT IT”S NOT!) And that whatever happens, it will still be a beautiful birth and she’s sure it’ll be a good birth but maybe not at home.
Which is true, I guess, I’m just not ready to accept that. You know, I only just allowed myself to start believing I’d be at home like a week and a half ago. I had put off gathering things for the birth, buying the birth kit, etc., to wait and see how things were a little further along. Deep down, I wasn’t sure I’d end up being able to be at home. Because that’s been my fear the whole time, and I said that early on. Not that I wouldn’t be at home, that’s really kind of inconsequential. But that I’d end up with a hospital birth that I was unprepared for.
And here I am.
Anyway, I’m still doing all the crap we’ve been doing. I lay upside down and I talk to the baby and I visualize head-down babies and we’re doing moxi and I’m seeing Dr. Heather. But this week, I no longer think any of it’s going to work. I have no more positive mental attitude in me.