I do think I’m dealing with a bit of depression

and isn’t my blog just a joy to read these days?

But I have all the symptoms… not interested in doing things that normally interest me. or anything. I haven’t even been knitting much. I haven’t been sewing. I don’t want to pack up and ship the final batch of orders. I don’t want to clean. Or organize. Or do inventory. Or pack for Oh Baby. Or pack for Friday, good Lord I really don’t want to do that. I’m listless. I cry a lot. I am disassociating myself from people. I wasn’t sad when Wally wanted to leave babywearing early yesterday. I wanted all of my customers to go to away and leave me alone (sorry, nothing personal, ladies). I’m easily upset.

I obviously need to get over this, but I’m stuck here between “well, the gal who did my Reiki session said I need to accept my emotions without judgement” and “I need to stop being so hard on myself”

I had a prenatal with Kari this morning and she’s just not as nurturing as Cosette. We had a good appointment and talked about a lot of stuff, but I always leave Cosette feeling reassured and confident and I seem to always leave Kari feeling vaguely worried and upset. She essentially said that I need to accept that Friday’s Version may lead to a C/S and that’s OK. (BUT IT”S NOT!) And that whatever happens, it will still be a beautiful birth and she’s sure it’ll be a good birth but maybe not at home.

Which is true, I guess, I’m just not ready to accept that. You know, I only just allowed myself to start believing I’d be at home like a week and a half ago. I had put off gathering things for the birth, buying the birth kit, etc., to wait and see how things were a little further along. Deep down, I wasn’t sure I’d end up being able to be at home. Because that’s been my fear the whole time, and I said that early on. Not that I wouldn’t be at home, that’s really kind of inconsequential. But that I’d end up with a hospital birth that I was unprepared for.

And here I am.

Anyway, I’m still doing all the crap we’ve been doing. I lay upside down and I talk to the baby and I visualize head-down babies and we’re doing moxi and I’m seeing Dr. Heather. But this week, I no longer think any of it’s going to work. I have no more positive mental attitude in me.


3 responses to “I do think I’m dealing with a bit of depression

  1. We all go through our storms, but you know that. The last weeks of my pregnancy were always hard for me. My babies never cooperated either. I’m sorry you are going through this.

    I always thought I would be this earth mother pregnant woman. I thought I would love being pregnant and enjoy the process in my body. It never happened. I had very difficult pregnancies. The actual births weren’t bad, but the pregnancies were really hard. I remember feeling angry and depressed that it wasn’t the beautiful experience that I had wanted it to be.

    Thankfully the blessings we hold in our arms at the end of the journey are truly amazing, regardless of their method of transportation.

    Just know that I am praying for you and the baby. I will add praying for peace on to my list.

  2. “I remember feeling angry and depressed that it wasn’t the beautiful experience that I had wanted it to be. ”

    And that’s so me right now. Wally’s pregnancy was lovely. This one…not so much. And I so wanted it to be that way again.

    Thanks for the prayers.

  3. I had all “overcooked” babies…3 kids…overdue close to 2 weeks…and the last one 9lb 14.5oz and breech at my due date, but turned before birth… a lot of time watching TV & reading on my hands and knees with my head down low and I’m sure there is a name for the “bowing dog”, but whether that made a difference or not, the boy turned and was born the night before they were going to induce… babies do what they want sometimes!!

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