Today

Well, I decided to go ahead with the version. I still don’t want to, but I am more comfortable with that decision after spending all day yesterday and this morning on the phone with various people.

It will be very difficult to not end up with a C/S if the baby stays breech. Mintzer would “consider” taking me, but then he has a whole long list of specific parameters I’d have to fit into or he’ll whisk me off to the OR. And I’ll take that if it’s my only/best option, but I’d rather not. The version is no guarantee. But it seems like my best chance at a normal delivery.

I’m still really torn because I think the baby’s breech for a reason, and forcing it to turn doesn’t seem right. But then sometimes I also feel like “well, screw you, baby, who cares what you think, anyway?” Which I know Kari and the gal who did the Reiki session would say is not a really good attitude, but I’m having a hard time with the thought that the baby wants me to take better care of myself when it would be so much easier to take better care of myself if the baby were head-down. It’s like when Wally has spent all day doing things he knows are against the rules and purposely doing things he knows will make me mad and then tells me not to be mad. Uh…nice try.

But anyway, I just can’t shake the feeling that I’m not going to be at home, regardless. That was one of the things I told Cosette I was worried about early on. That’s why I didn’t really start getting ready for a homebirth until last week. I just didn’t really believe it. Maybe I’m not supposed to be at home.

But I’m letting that go. I’m trying to decide if that’s my lingering blue-ness giving me that “oh, whatever, I give up” sense, or if that’s really me learning to bend like the willow. I suspect it’s more that I’m so tired right now I have no more fight left in me. So…whatever. Want me in a hospital? Fine. Care provider I barely know and don’t like that much? Fine.  Going to the poor house becuase DAMN I’m paying for all of this out of pocket and haven’t even asked how much a Version costs, let alone a C/S? Whatever.

Cosette’s said today now that she’s kind of worried because Kari measured me at 2-3 weeks small on Wednesday. But whatever. I’m choosing not to worry about that today. I can’t take on any more worry. kari measured me small the last time she measured me, too, by 2 weeks, and Cosette thought I was fine the next time I saw her. I just need to get past tomorrow and then I’ll start eating protein every hour. One of the things I do when I’m stressed is I stop eating, and that can’t be helping. I know I have not gained any weight these two weeks.

I’m off to finish up the last bit of my last order, then I have to close out the WP books for the year, finish four carriers for a local wholesaler, and clean up my office. All before 3. Because I was supposed to work last night but we decided to go see the dinosaur show instead. And today, Randy tells me not to worry about cleaning the house this morning because he can do that, i should just get done the other stuff I need to do and then rest.

And then he got mad when I told him that if he was really planning to clean the house, he really had all week to pitch in. The dishes have been there in the sink since Monday. (The dishes he told me on Mother’s Day he was going to wash all year as his present to me.) The laundry’s been in progress all week. I know he knows that because he’s been digging through the basket that’s folded and not put away looking for clothes to wear to work and gradually unfolding all the other clothes in the basket.) The rug’s needed to be vacuumed all week. I know he is not blind. He can see these things. And I haven’t made it a secret that I wanted the house tidy before Friday morning just in case. He has a short list of things I asked him to do and that he said he’d do early this week, and they’re still not done. So, see, I didn’t really feel like I could rely on that from him right now. And then he got all mad,  but whatever.

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