There’s a situation in my life that makes me sad. A person I used to be friends with turned on me one day. There was an event, I was involved only on the edges. I do not believe that I actually ever did anything to this person, but she is evidently angry or… something. And has been. It’s been, hm, 2 or 3 years? I can’t remember.
This person reminds me so, so much of my mom when she was really struggling with her mental illness, and I honestly find that I’m yet again unable to really respond well, just as I was never able to figure out how to deal with my mom.
I don’t really ever talk about this situation, because I don’t think it’s anybody’s business. I try not to gossip, and I believe private conversations need to stay private. I know the other person doesn’t share my discretion, and discusses it freely, though a bit skewed. That’s certainly her prerogative.
My personal failing in this situation is that I allow this person to get under my skin. I allow her to push my buttons. Particularly when I’m already stressed about other things, like worrying about my son’s life.
This person’s harassment of me has ratcheted up a lot lately, starting approximately the day before Teddy’s transplant was scheduled. I don’t think it’s coincidental. Knowing I’m already at about my maximum coping level, she turned on the screws.
And I’m ashamed to say that I responded poorly.
My big personal weakness is exploding verbally when pushed too far, and I let this person push my buttons, and responded somewhat angrily on my Facebook page. (without names – I’m at least classier than that.)
I know I need to work on this. I really really regret responding in the way that I did. I’ve generally been able to let this person’s attacks against me and my business (I’ve heard from more than one person that this person has told them that she wants to make my business fail) roll off my back, more or less. It’s not an excuse, but the stress of getting ready for the transplant, then having it cancelled, and worrying that there was something wrong with his liver also, and the worry that his minute amount of remaining kidney function could give out at any second…. combined with the constant vomiting I deal with, the absolute lack of sleep (since we got home from the hospital 3 weeks ago, Teddy’s not gone to sleep earlier than midnight, usually closer to 1, and is up 2-3 times during the night vomiting and/or crying, and I get up at 5 to pump and start day feeds and meds), and a few other issues I don’t wish to discuss… it just was too much.
But I can’t let stress be an excuse. I’m back in a place today where I can see this person for what she is – and it makes me very sad. I hope I’m back to seeing her as our Savior sees her – with love and compassion, not with anger and a desire for revenge.
Do I want this person’s attacks against me to stop? Yes, I do. I’m trying to work through the difficult decision of whether to pursue legal action at this time, and whether that’s a very Christian thing to do. The attacks MUST stop. I’ve done what I can do without taking legal steps and it’s not working. I just don’t know…
But I am declaring publicly here, to my 2.3 readers, that I’m going to try to stop letting her push my buttons. No more responses. 🙂 There are far, far more important things in life than worrying about what one person says or does.
I’ve also, incidentally, decided to step down from my admin role at the Babywearing and Cloth Diapering group. This person has been using that group as another way to get at me – and I do not doubt that she will continue to use it as a forum to achieve her mission of causing my business to fail – but the resultant drama was affecting the other admins and the members there in a negative way, and I care too much about our community to allow my presence to continue causing damage and hurt. If I can help the group as a whole by walking away, then that’s what I’ll do.
That’s all! Pray for me! I’ve been stuck in my I’m-calm-and-then-I-scream-my-head-off rut for a loooooong looooooong time… ’twill be nice to master it, but will take a lot of work. Happily, I strongly feel God’s encouragement on this step. If I can trust him with my son, I can trust him with my personality issues. 🙂