Judgement

No, I will never get tired of this subject… lol.

Over the weekend, I was talking with some non-birthy friends about another friend who had just recently gotten completely hosed by her care providers in the recent birth of her child. It’s the same story everywhere. Due date = panic = induction = baby’s so obviously not ready = probably off on dates = pitocin = hard, hard labor = epidural = mom can’t move = C/S. Suddenly a couple planning for a nice, natural birth ends up with a completely unexpected (and unnecessary) Cesearean.

I wasn’t even going to discuss it, but it came up, and so I started talking. It occurred to me as I was talking that it might seem that I’m judging those who make decisions differently than I do. And that’s not really it.

People don’t have to make the same decisions I do.

However, I strongly feel that people should make INFORMED decisions. And I also strongly feel that, particularly in the care of pregnant patients, OBs in this country do not facilitate said informed decisions.

Yes, there are “informed consent” forms that must be signed. They list the risks. What they don’t say is “the use of pitocin makes labor much more difficult to cope with because you get the harsh uterine contractions but without the natural pain-relieving ‘high’ that you get with natural contractions. This makes it more likely that you will request an epidural for pain relief. The use of an epidural means you won’t be able to get up or change positions. Actually, you could, but your OB and nurses will discourage this, and will not help support your numb legs if you want to get more upright. Trying to push out a baby when you’re laying on your back or sitting on your tailbone is extremely difficult, since you’re working against gravity. As your OB, this is how I like it, so I have a nice view without having to bend over. Pushing in this position is difficult, and does not allow your pelvis to flex in the way it needs to to make room for your baby. After you’ve pushed for a while, I’ll tell you that your pelvis is too small, which is only partly true, and you’ll have major surgery.”

Right?

I like Dr Sears take on the issue – one of his books he talks about your choices in labor. He says he doesn’t care what you choose, but you need to know the truth about your options.

That’s how I feel, too. When people know the TRUTH about their options, then they are truly making decisions. Otherwise, they’re just being taken advantage of. And THAT is what gets me mad.

Mad at the care providers doing this to their patients. mad at the patients for allowing it and not taking the initiative to get educated.

argh

things going on I can’t blog about. Both frustrating. Maybe later when the situations aren’t as fresh.

Lying

A personal situation here has got me thinking about lying. What are we really saying when we lie? I posed the question on Facebook and received a variety of thought-provoking responses. Particularly interesting were the varied lies that people thought were OK, vs ones that weren’t OK.

I’m not truly sure I see the benefit of lying, ever, though sometimes some serious creativity can get one out of sticky situations without lying and without hurting feelings.

I don’t like being lied to by those I am close to, particularly when those lies are obviously long-planned and needless. (I like even less when those telling the lies deny them and then persist in placing the blame on me.)

As I said on Facebook:

My original thinking was that, when we lie to someone (beyond just a white lie), we are telling them that we don’t love them – or value our relationship – enough to be truthful. That we value appearances more than reality – we’re so wrapped up in how we appear that how we actually are has lost its value. And/or that we don’t trust the person we’re lying to – we fear their reaction to the point that we must lie.

Kids development like their labors?

Anyone else notice this? My kids seem to be developing like their labors.

Wally’s labor: started strong, kept chugging along, pretty easy going, relatively fast, straightforward, problem free.

Genna’s labor: started, stopped, started, stopped, regular contractions for days that were not really labor, slow and in fits and starts until it really got going, then it was fast and hard.

Wally’s development (as in, teeth, walking, crawling, talking, etc): Just pretty smooth and textbook-ish. teeth came in without trouble, he developed pretty steadily and without trouble (grouchies from new skills, etc.)

Genna’s development so far: fits and starts. Grumpies with new skills. Grumpies with teeth. Teeth come in and then sink back, come in, sink back. She’s been working on one tooth for MONTHS. Interestingly, a different tooth popped trough.

Just interesting.

Christian Marriages

Abby has a great post over at Sugar Creek Family Farm about priority in marriage (ie: husband first, kids second).

I wanted to link it here and then add my own thoughts.  I agree with Abby that it’s so hard to remember to keep our husbands as a priority. It’s all to easy to let them fall into last place – I know with me, it’s that I just assume he’ll always be there – so I take him for granted in favor of whatever seems more urgent. Sometimes the kids get this, too – the kitchen needs to be cleaned NOW (or orders need to get out, or this soaker needs to be knit, or whatever) and the kids can wait. The kids need X Y or Z and so the husband can wait.

Or I’ve used up all of my energy and patience on the events of the day and have none left for when he gets home. That’s not how it should be, and a reminder of this is always good.

Judgemental, or fact?

For the purposes of this post, I use the word Judgmental as it is commonly used, as a negative thing we ought not do. Not its actual definition of  “Of, relating to, or dependent on judgment:”

I thought about this as I was going to sleep last night. Let’s try something. I’m going to paraphrase a comment that was made on this blog somewhat recently, but those comments aren’t unique in any way and I’ve heard similar statements elsewhere, a lot.

“If parents both work and have their kids in daycare all day, but the kids are happy when the parents get home, then what’s wrong with that? It’s obviously something that works for them, and that they like.”

Now, a game.

“If parents decide to formula feed, but the kids are happy when the parents get home, then what’s wrong with that? It’s obviously something that works for them, and that they like.”

“If parents spank or hit their kids, but the kids are happy otherwise, then what’s wrong with that? It’s obviously something that works for them, and that they like.”

“If parents have an elective C/S, but the kids are alive  afterwards, then what’s wrong with that? It’s obviously something that works for them, and that they like.”

“If parents feed their kids crap food all day, but the kids are happy when the parents get home, then what’s wrong with that? It’s obviously something that works for them, and that they like.”

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First, let’s talk about damage. Not all damage is obvious or visible. People can be really happy while drinking themselves into liver failure, for example. The damage is being done under the surface, where it’s not visible.

The damage done by the decisions we make as parents is, likewise, often under the surface. Not necessarily visible. The kids might seem, or even actually be, happy. Kids who get to eat cookies whenever they want, or watch Barney all day, are probably REALLY happy kids, at least on the surface. right?

Now, moving on, I chose the above examples, because they – like working full time – are all things that have been proven, through numerous studies, to be choices that are inherently NOT AS GOOD as the alternative.

If, then, someone points that out, is that being judgmental?

Getting 8 hours of sleep a night is better than getting 3 hours of sleep. That’s also been proven. Am I being judgmental if I say that someone who sleeps 3 hours a night likely isn’t getting enough sleep? Or am I making a statement of fact, based on the best available information? Is it possible that there are some people who function fine on 3 hours every night, and that is what is the absolute best for them? Yes. Is it likely? No. If half of the population of Iowa slept for only 3 hours every night, would it be accurate to say that MOST of them probably need MORE sleep? Yes.

Now, if I walk up you to and get all up in your grill about the decisions you make as a parent, well, I still wouldn’t call that “judgmental,” but I’d definitely call it rude. But that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about looking at, thinking about situations and decisions and possibilities….and then making a decision about whether one solution is inherently better than another.

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I’ll take this one step further and say that a lot of people play the “it’s what’s best for our family” card (or even the “it’s what we feel God wants us to do” card) when the actual truth, perhaps hidden even from themselves, is that it’s simply what they WANT to do.

To compare it to something not at all related, if research suggests that the ideal C/S rate should be 10-15%, and a particular doctor in town has a rate of 60%, are we being judgemental in saying that his rate is too high? If that doctor responds that he does only what is best for his patients, should we believe him? Or is the truth more likely to be that it is really what is best for HIM, what HE wants. Perhaps he even really believes it IS best for his patients, but that doesn’t make it true.

Doing things the hard way?

Alright, now I’ve heard this three times since spring. A reference that doing things in a more natural way is doing it the “hard” way.

Specifically, the comments were about: homebirth, breastfeeding, bedsharing, babywearing, holistic health care and cloth diapering.

The hard way??

I don’t know that I believe that. They’re hard only in that they’re counter-culture. I agree, that can be wearying. But none are physically difficult.

CD is a bit more work, but I wouldn’t call washing diapers “hard.” Babywearing is really the easiest option for toting a baby around. The next easiest thing would be to just not have a baby in the first place. Breastfeeding can have challenges, but it’s easier than messing with formula. Bedsharing means I don’t have to get out of bed at night to care for kids – easy.

Homebirth, I think it’s a wash in terms of “easy” vs “hard.”  Holistic health care is “hard” in terms of needing to use your own brain, true, and I agree that honestly managing holistic health care is just beyond the ability of some people, so I could maybe buy it there.

Hm.

Sometimes I’m shocked at how far down the slope I’ve slid, you know?

Permissive? Me?

Hm. I mean, let me start out by saying that I’m well aware that I can tend to be permissive. I think I recognize when I’m doing it, and most of the time, I’ve decided that I don’t care. I can swing well to the other side, too.

But I don’t think of myself as permissive, in general.

Last weekend got me thinking about how I probably SEEM permissive to people who parent more, well, mainstream than I do. We had my neices staying with us at our house at Okoboji. My in-laws came up for a day, too. But my neices continued to treat me as the ultimate authority in the house, instead of my mother in law, which was a little strange, but fine. With me, anyway.

Then one day, after swimming and as we were all getting ready to head out to the grocery store, my niece asked me if she had to brush her hair, which was still wet from the pool. We were only going to Walmart, and her hair looked fine, and like I really cared, anyway, so I said no. She said “yay!” Really, it looked fine. Wet, but fine. Plus, she’s 12 and very aware of how she looks, etc., and if she was OK with it, then I was OK with it. (also, you’re not really supposed to brush wet hair… it tends to break it.)

As she’s waiting for everyone else to finish getting dressed, my mother in law tells her to go brush her hair. She asked why, said it looked ok, and we were only going to Walmart (all my reasoning, but I hadn’t voiced any of that to her). My mother in law continued to push it, and ultimately just laid down the law that the girl needed to go brush her hair. Now.

There were three other times that things like this happened. And it just got me thinking. Am I really that permissive? Or do I just pick my battles?

Currently looking for…

Things I’m looking for:

• Bigger bike for Wally as he grows.
• Salt water filter for pool
• Small metal, wood, or even glass bowls for kids
• Rabbit hutch. I can make one, but getting one for free/cheap and already made = so much better.

Is that my entire garage sale/Craigslist/curb shopping want list? I think it is.

Learn from my experience: Don’t buy anything you want a warranty for at Office Depot

And this is really unfortunate. I love our local OD store. The employees are actually HELPFUL. I mean, out of their way helpful. I asked a guy if I could see the rebate form before I purchased an item, and he had to go to a computer and look it up online as if he was filing a claim, and it took him lik 5 minutes to figure that out, because nobody in the store knew how to look at the actual form, but he stuck with it and was totally helpful. The store manager is just super nice and actually tries to solve problems. (I actually talked to her boss once just to tell him how great she was.

But I have had nothing but problems in dealing with their extended warranty people.

This is only the most recent incident:

- laptop quits working. it has the exact same symptoms as it’s had the other 2 times I sent it in (jan and april)

- I call. the guy I talk to is really hedgy and sketchy with information, asking me bizarre questions like “when was the last time you sent it in” when I know he has that right in front of him. Turns out the laptop is not actually under warranty any more, but considering that they never fixed the problem from Jan and April, I don’t think it’s unreasonable of them to try to stand behind their work.

- They won’t.

- I talk to supervisor named Goldie (yeah right). Goldie told me that maybe Nexcore, the company who did the repairs, would stand behind THEIR work. I could call them. She wasted another 10 (literally) minutes before giving me the phone number.

- PS, NONE of these people will give you a last name. For “security” reasons. And they have 4 locations, but they will not tell you which location you’re talking to when you call. This makes it EXTRAORDINARILY hard to file an effective complaint with corporate. They seem to exist in a no-accountability environment.

- I call the number given to me in the morning. The number is for a phone dating service.

- Yes, seriously.

- I call back, asking for the correct number for Nexcore. The kid I’m talking to has to look up my account. This takes another 12 minutes. Then I’m on hold for 5 minutes. When he comes back he gives me a completely different number. I asked him if he found the other (wrong) number while he was searching for Nexcore’s number. No, he didn’t.

- I call nexcore. They’re nice. 90 day warranty on their work. But she can’t help me directly. I have to do a claim thru the warranty company.

- Call warranty company back. I’ve been on hold for 14 minutes. Apparently, it’s suddenly a huge deal that I don’t know what I paid for the laptop before tax. what the hell?28 minutes now.

I hope they’re able to fix it. I do. But you can be guaranteed that the next time I need to buy ANYTHING, it won’t be from Office Depot. I will be letting the local store, and the regional manager, know this. And I do feel bad about it, because I really like them, as I said. But for the love of Pete, a warranty shouldn’t be this hard!!