When the day takes all of you

Interestingly, I bookmarked THIS particular blog post, at Heart of the Matter – a homeschooling blog in my feed reader, just before Teddy was born. It’s difficult for me to remember what life was like then, but I’m sure I related to the story told in the first part of the post – a regular day that just wears on you. Purposeful tasks that just grind you down.  (edited this to fix the link that wasn’t working – this post makes more sense with the link.)

Nowadays, I’d rewrite that story there at the beginning a bit. And it’d definitely include vomit, diarrhea, losing consciousness, ridiculous wait times at the lab, a well-intentioned walk that takes an hour to get everyone dressed for because of the aforementioned vomit and diarrhea, and would probably also include something about prescription meds or lab results.

And it would ALSO include the student who won’t focus, the friend who needs support, the husband with a bad day, bickering children, and a supper that I somehow managed to screw up – probably because I walked out of the kitchen to check on something quick and got sidetracked by the 100 other things that vie for my attention.

Hey, good times!!!

Then she goes on…

Then, in the early morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house, and went away to a secluded place, and was praying there (Mark 1: 35).

You’ve had these days and Jesus, too, had a day just like this in which his purposeful work grew into that which was emotional and taxing. Mark doesn’t say that Jesus felt spent or inadequate, only that Jesus’ next step was to get away in a time of solitude and prayer. But we can connect the two.

In solitude, Jesus connected with what he needed to do next: more of the same. To lean in. It didn’t change what needed to be done, only the strength he had to do it. Though others wanted to press him with their needs, he determined not to derail his purpose. Jesus returned from silence and solitude with function and purpose.

Though the linked post ends with an exhortation to get away for a time of silence and solitude for a day or a weekend, and though that’s realistically never, ever going to happen (any time soon, anyway), I don’t think that getting away for a full day – or a half day – is needed. Jesus didn’t, and He was dealing with MUCH bigger problems than I have.

I’m not likely to be able to get away to a secluded place – Teddy has this bizarre spidey sense that alerts him if I move more than 2 inches away while he’s sleeping at night – but I can get up early and have solitude and some level of seclusion in my own bed. (The trick is staying awake, of course…)hnjm gt

Married Priests and Other Thoughts on Family and The Ministry

One day as we were driving home from the lab, Jan Mickelson was on the radio, and had as his guest some Catholic priest of some sort. During the short time we were in the car, they were discussing married priests.

Evidently, Episcopal priests (who are allowed to marry) sometimes decide they want to convert to Catholicism, and they of course bring their families with them. I

He then went on to discuss how the prohibition against marriage was more a traditional one than one with any basis in the Bible, and he then went on to discuss his thoughts on this.

Which included that it’s easier to focus your energy on God, your relationship with God, and the spiritual lives of the people in your church if you don’t have a family or spouse to worry about, too.

And, yeah, I think he’s on to something there.

Ask anyone who’s a minister and who has a family. Ask the minister’s family. It’s not easy. It’s really really hard. The family often ends up getting the short end of that stick. A spouse or parent who needs to put the church and the church family first, pretty much always. A spouse/parent who’s busy for every major holiday. Who spends Christmas Eve and Easter, not celebrating with his/her family, but preparing for and carrying out church services. A spouse/parent who sometimes has to change plans to enable them to support a family who is in need – at the hospital, or at the funeral home. Who is busy on Saturdays officiating weddings. (you’ll note that my experience is with a church with only one minister, not with a whole staff.)

Not to mention the stress that the church members themselves put on a family. Always critical, always judging, always scrutinizing. The minister’s kids weren’t paying attention during the sermon (because they’re not allowed to be regular kids). The minister’s kids got in trouble at school. The minister’s wife did This, or that. Blah Blah Blah.

It’s hard to be a minister’s family. And I think that stress is hard on the minister, too.

Perhaps the Catholic church has this one completely right on the money – not for the sake of the church, or for the sake of the individual – but for the sake of the potential family.

If one of the jobs of the church is to protect and support families… could prohibiting (or at the very least, discouraging) marriage simply be one means to achieve this end? It’s an interesting thing to think about.

 

God is amazing sometimes

God has shown me this week how beautiful things can come out of the darkest and most twisted places.

I don’t care to delve into the details of the dark and twisted place I’m talking about, but a bizarre and difficult situation has resulted, in a shockingly direct fashion, in a kid I know finding a kidney donor. God is AMAZING in that way.

Me, right. You, wrong. Or, Being Christian.

Here’s an interesting one that I run into all. the. time.

Politically liberal Christians who, in discussing their pro-gay, pro-taxes, politically liberal beliefs, say things like “I don’t understand why conservative Christians don’t want to *actually* love their neighbor and feed the poor! They’re not even really Christians!”

Oh, really?

I can fully recognize that one can be a Christian and also a political liberal. Because the main differences between the people who affiliate with liberalism and conservatism is how you solve the problem – there’s not a lot of disagreement on whether there *is* a problem, or that we need to do something about it.

Christians are *all* called to love their neighbor and to feed the hungry (and many other things). Those are who politically liberal and those who are politically conservative may disagree on the best way to do that – but to sit and think that your way is the *only* way to do that…

wow.

I mean, really. Could you be any more arrogant?

I understand that liberals love their gay neighbors by telling them that they’re fine doing whatever it is that they’re doing. That they don’t need to change. I’m not sure why it’s so hard for them to understand that conservatives love their gay neighbors JUST THE WAY THEY ARE, as well. As I hope every Christian loves every sinner (which is EVERY ONE OF US) just the way they are. But Jesus told the woman at the well to go and sin no more. Not, go, and just keep on at it, babe. I don’t personally feel it’s my business to tell people I don’t personally know really anything about my opinions on their choices. It’s just plain not. But if I had a good friend who is gay and a Christian (and I do), I would treat her with the same respect with which I’d expect to be treated. Namely, if she sees me doing something she believes to be damaging to my relationship with Christ or to my walk as a Christian, I would expect her to say something to that effect with kindness and love. And by that same token, I will tell her if I see her doing things I believe to be damaging to her.

I don’t see it as markedly different from two types of parenting. One type of parenting says, “I love you and I want you to be happy, so I’ll let you do whatever you want.” The other type of parenting says, “I love you and I want you to be happy, so I’m setting some limits and helping you strive to become a better person.”

(and I will delete every single comment that wants to point out X and such a person who is a Christian but hates Gays. Yes, there are bad examples, there are people espousing Christianity and not living it, etc. etc. I could likely point out a “bad” example from the liberal side for every one from the conservative side, so we don’t need to go there, do we? Thinking only the opposite side has bad apples is also pretty arrogant.)

Moving on to feeding the hungry. I understand that political liberals, in keeping with their political beliefs, want government to be the vehicle through which the hungry are fed. Political conservatives ALSO want to feed the hungry, they just don’t believe that, in the US, the Constitution allows for the federal government to have a role in that. See? Both sides want the hungry to be fed. They just disagree on how it gets done.

To walk around saying and believing that your way of doing these things is the *only* way is just the absolute height of arrogance. If that’s you – consider that it might be your arrogance, more than your religious and political beliefs, that are keeping your conservative brothers and sisters from fellowship.

When you Disagree

So, when you feel you have been wronged, what are you to do?

The Bible gives pretty clear steps for handling church members who are sinning, but I think the same instruction can be applied to interpersonal relationships with other Christians and with other people in general.

Step 1 is to approach the person directly and discuss.

If that doesn’t solve the problem, step 2 is to approach with some witnesses and discuss.

If that doesn’t solve the issue, step 3 is to get the church involved.

I will say, MOST times when I’ve done this, though it’s hard, it’s been successful. One notable time, I ended up with a new friend from a total stranger. 🙂

It’s not always been successful. My current dilemma is whether it’s worth trying again, starting with Step #1, when I’ve tried in the past and been unsuccessful. (Yes, particularly considering the situation I mentioned a few posts back.)

How we Talk

I’ve been thinking a lot this week about the call to be in the world but not of the world, and how a Christian ought to behave in various situations. I’m not always the best example. I have issues with my mouth, that is for sure. But I try to learn from my mistakes, and to ask for forgiveness when I slip.

One thing in particular that’s been tugging at my mind lately is how Christians talk – particularly how we talk about others.

In reading about this topic this week, I found a few interesting links:

What the Bible Says about Gossip.

Gossip is also a way we judge others, which really isn’t our job. God is in charge of judging people, not us. Gossip really only ends up creating greed, hate, envy, murder.

Gossip is also a sign that we are not really active in our faith and in our lives. If you think about it, the busier we are, the less time we have to gossip. We no longer have the time to get wrapped up in someone else’s life. Gossip is bred out of boredom.

That bold part is what really struck me, particularly thinking about everybody’s favorite format in which to gossip: Facebook. I don’t think it’s true that Facebook time comes out of boredom, but it is certainly true that if you’re busy with meaningful tasks, you will have less time to gossip – whether on Facebook or off. This might explain why gossip became something I really stopped struggling with once I quit my job. Lordy, were we able to fill our downtimes with office gossip. 🙂  I just don’t have that kind of down time these days.

I personally work hard to keep private conversations private. Even if conversations contain nothing particularly secret… if I’m talking to one person about something, it’s really not my place to turn around and tell someone else about our conversation. I’m hardly a private person – but I do really try to show others that I value them by not spreading the details – even if mundane – of our conversations.

Yes, there is always temptation to stick our noses into the business of others. Everyone likes to be “in the know,” to be up on the latest, to be seen as important and having important information – but is that the call of the Christian? To fill that role? I’m not so sure.

 

…Talk like a Christian.

Every tree is known by its fruit. As Christians we claim that our lives are samples of changed people accomplished by Christ. How then is our fruit?

Jesus Himself says that our words are an index to our heart, either vindicating or condemning us. Our words present the character of our thoughts. They do this accurately. We may talk much or but little, yet how we communicate with each other reveals the true measure of our experience.

Jesus said that “those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart” (Matthew 15:18). In short, what comes out is linked to the inside.

(snip)

 

Likewise, the words that proceed forth and come out of our heart show without fail what is in our heart. In this sense, your mouth cannot lie. It tells more about your character than you have realized. That which comes out of the heart defiles the man.

James adds, “If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man’s religion is vain” (James 1:26). Empty religion refuses to bridle the mouth. Ironically then, it turns out to be mostly talk and very little action. There is enough talk to pass oneself off—superficially—as religious. But the refusal to bridle the mouth is a refusal to exercise self-control. In the early church the premium was placed on right doing.

 

oof. “Hi, Sarah. I have a message for you. Shut Yer Trap! Love, God.”

 

Dealing with Difficult People

This is the situation where I run into the most trouble, and I’d bet you do, too. This link was an interesting read and I personally thought – while there was nothing ground breaking – it was a nice reminder. 🙂 Particularly this one:

You are accountable to God for your own actions. You cannot control what the other person does, but you can control how you respond. They too will be accountable for their actions, but not to you. They are accountable to God.

I need to work on this with my kids, too, I think. I feel like I say this to them a LOT.

Theodore’s Journey Part IV

So I started keeping better track of things on the Carepage, and now I’m going to start a new blog just for Teddy’s stuff, and will link here when I get it going.

I did want to write a post on the emotional side of all of this. This is very stream of consciousness. I’ve made no attempt to filter, to put in order, or to make this make sense.

I remember, less than a month ago, being told by Dr. Auron (neph here in DM) that he probably had posterior urethral valves and would need surgery at about 6 months in Iowa City and I was pretty upset about that. I would cut off my right arm with a dull pocketknife if we could go back to that plan.

In the last month, I’ve gradually stopped crying during medical procedures. I’ve found my voice again. I learned how to change diapers with four different cords directly in the way. I somehow was completely OK with surgery on my newborn… 3 times. I had over a week where I cried – in front of strangers – every day. Then I had times when I was genuinely feeling OK, and then I’d see something in the hallway on my way to lunch that would just trip that trigger and I’d be sobbing. I’m honestly still like that. I’m reminded of The Replacements – that scene before the first big game, the coach and the Keaneau Reeves character are talking about how they’re like ducks on a pond – calm on the surface, but under the water, those feet are churning. I’m OK on the surface, but if you delve down even just one fingernail deep, I’m really not that great.

I have yelled at God nearly every day. I have taken comfort in a sermon I heard once about how God was big enough to withstand our fury. I’m not going to hurt His feelings. I can be furious with Him and trust in His care all at the same time, and I’m not even going to try to explain that one. I have said, countless times, that His plans suck. He needs to come up with something better. But down inside, I still trust that He knows what He is doing.

You know, my mom had kidney failure at the age of 50 after 46 years of battling diabetes. But she was 50! Teddy was 1 week old. ONE WEEK. What kind of a God would do this to a one week old? Yes, I’ve asked that question. And I’ve meant it, to a certain extent, even though my personal beliefs do not include a God who “does things” to people. Again, I don’t try to explain that.

I trust that God knows what it’s like to watch your child in pain.

I sent this email to my uncle (a minister):

I am really struggling with this one. For the past 6 months, I’ve been trying to memorize Psalm 139. (Mommy brain makes it a challenge, lol, but I’ve nearly got it down now.) It has the verses about “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb… My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”

And I read that and I sit here and wonder how God could do this to a tiny baby. How, when he was knitting together MY baby, could He have decided to give him only one kidney, and then to make that one not work right? What did we ever do to Him that He feels we have to go through all this? What did my three year old do to deserve to be away from her mommy for weeks at a time, shuffled around on a makeshift daycare schedule of friends and family? What did my 7 year old do to deserve any of this? And mostly, as I watch them take away my baby for two surgeries, as i watch them poke him and stick things in him, and cause him pain several time daily, I wonder what HE ever did to deserve this. He is not even 3 weeks old, and his whole life has been pain.

I know Gods plans are based on a much broader view of things. I have such a limited perspective. I know all things work to His glory. I have received email from people I don’t even know that they heard about his story and it touched their lives and that God is working through Theodore to change them…and that is great, but doesn’t actually help much. Because it still leaves me wondering how this is at all fair.

—

And, yeah. I mean, it’s great that Teddy is touching the lives of others. It is. But surely God, who created the Earth from NOTHING, and made man from dirt, could have come up with another way to reach those people. I mean, don’t tell me He is THAT lacking in creativity.

Do I sound angry? I am, and I’m not. I am mad, like I was mad when we had our second miscarriage. I was furious, at everyone and noone. I’m not as furious as I was at that time, but there’s a lot of emotions in there that come out most easily as anger.

—

Here’s where I indulge my petty side. When I was dealing with our second miscarriage, I had a few friends who were also PG and they felt a little uncertain about me dealing with their healthy pregnancies. And I was really OK. I went through a period of being insanely jealous of those people who just breeze through pregnancies without any hint of worry that something might go wrong. I still kind of hate those people, and it’s not even their fault.

This time, I’m having more trouble. I don’t know who all reads this blog, but yes, it’s possible I’m going to be talking about you here in a second. It’s not you, it’s not personal. It’s nothing you do, can do, can stop doing, etc. It’s me and I just need to work through it.

So, yeah. I have several friends who are PG and going to 20 week ultrasounds and hey! everything looks GREAT!  Oh, my, God, I can’t even begin to explain how that makes me feel. I am OF COURSE happy for them. I would be happy for people I hate reporting that news, too. Don’t misunderstand. But I also kind of die a little inside every time. I have friends with happy, healthy newborns who, again, I am of course super happy for. But, yeah, I also can’t help but think “dammit, why can’t that be ME?” I had SUCH a hard time while we were inpatient with this. Walking to lunch, I’d pass someone with a baby in a stroller and want to scream a little. Looking at the other NICU parents, some of whom had that same shellshocked look I’m sure I had the first week, but knowing that most of them were there only for a few days or a week while their premature but otherwise perfectly healthy baby grew just a bit stronger. You get to go home and stay home and forget about this, I couldn’t help but think. I would kill to be you.

No, I’m not the first person to have a baby with an illness. I’m not the first person to have a baby in the NICU. I’m not the first person to have a newborn with kidney failure. (though, in the grand scheme of things, we are among the few there.) I know that. (And I’m surrounded by friends – close friends and not so close – who have dealt with NICU babies and babies with health problems, and etc. and I’m sure each of them has gone through similar emotions.)

—

So I have a post percolating about Star Wars and God and all of this, working with the “All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be” and my view of omniscience. It should be a doozy.

From the Back of the Mind folder – Happiness, for kids, or for anyone, as a goal.

This one’s been bouncing around back there since the first year I had a blog – 2003. Oh, yeah, it’s a post eight years in the making. Glad I waited until I have pregnancy mush brain to finish it.

When I was PG with Wally, I started posting on a Delphi forum called, I don’t know, something about Christian Parenting. I think I actually started posting there before becoming PG. After a while, it was MOSTLY me and this other woman, who was about 10 years older than me. Ultimately, I stopped posting there over some mean-ness releated to breastfeeding. But one conversation we had has stuck with me.

“I don’t think that having happy children is my goal as a parent.”

I agree.

But don’t you want happy children? Well, I don’t want miserable children. But happiness is not a goal, nor an acceptable “end.”

Let’s see if I can organize 8 years’ worth of thoughts.

Happiness as most of us modern humans understand it is an emotion. It’s a feeling. As such, it is transient. Pursuing happiness (of course guaranteed to us by our country’s organizing documents) can and often does mean merely pursuing a series of transient things in an effort to keep that feeling of happiness. Jobs, possessions, friends, activities.

Taken to an extreme, if “being happy” is your number one goal, your number one “end,” other things can end up getting pushed aside because they interfere (even temporarily) with that over-reaching goal of happiness. Things like spouses. Children. Hard work.

Before you say that that doesn’t happen, I know at least two people who live their lives like this. They are ultimately very unhappy people, but in conversation will tell you that they are just trying to do what makes them happy, and they don’t understand why you can’t be happy for them.

No, this is not what I want for my children.

Even avoiding the extreme, having “happiness” be your goal can lead to a number of decisions that are contrary to morality, to the way God wants us to live our lives.* Sex makes many people happy (at least temporarily). If it makes me happy, why not sleep with random cute men I meet? Owning things makes some people happy. If it makes me happy, why not spend all of my money (and then some) at Best Buy? Getting wasted with the besties makes some people happy – and why not? If it makes me happy, shouldn’t it be OK?

Except that’s not how God wants us to live our lives.

The focus on what makes ME happy means I’m not focused on what makes OTHERS happy, or how I can best serve God and love others.

Then there’s the Happiness that is a decision. I can decide to be happy, even in the midst of terrible circumstances. Paul tells the Philippeans, “I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.” And he was writing this letter from a Roman prison.

This is the type of happiness I desire for my children. Heck – for myself.

Just a few paragraphs earlier in his letter to the Philippians, Paul tells them ” ⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” That’s the secret to being happy.

He doesn’t exhort his fellow believers to pursue whatever makes them feel happy. He tells them to think about happy things.

So, no, I won’t list “happiness” as a goal for my children. Happiness is the result of decisions you make, and I would list those decisions, those life choices, as goals for my children. Believe in God and the saving power of the blood of His Son. Trust in God. Live the life God wants of you. And those things will intrinsically MAKE you happy. You’ll find happiness without even looking for it.

* As always, if you don’t believe in God, then I don’t expect you to feel as though you need to live your life in any particular way.

 

The real story, not revisionist history

 

You know, I am a little disappointed at how often I learn that something I learned in school, or in church, or just in “life” is actually not true. It’s AMAZING the number of things that are taught as fact that are either almost entirely made up, or are so far removed from their original truths that it’s hard to recognize them.

Case in point: Jesus birth.

Mary and Joseph couldn’t find any room in the inn (a quaint term for motel) so they found a barn to sleep in.

Everyone knows that.

Right?

Except it’s not true.

The truth?

The word translated as “inn” in Luke’s story actually just refers to part of a house reserved for guests. Not a hotel. (katalyma is used in the nativity story, vs pandocheion later in Luke in the story of the Good Samaritan.)

From this article:

“A simple village home in the time of King David, up until the Second World War, in the Holy Land, had two rooms—one for guests, one for the family. The family room had an area, usually about four feet lower, for the family donkey, the family cow, and two or three sheep. They are brought in last thing at night and taken out and tied up in the courtyard first thing in the morning.

“Out of the stone floor of the living room, close to family animals, you dig mangers or make a small one out of wood for sheep. Jesus is clearly welcomed into a family home.”

 

More?

 

“Rabbis saw shepherds as unclean and low status. So the shepherds were afraid of more than angel choirs. “From their point of view, if the child was truly the Messiah, the parents would reject the shepherds if they tried to visit him!” Bailey writes. Hearing that the babe was lying in a manger reassured them that he was in a humble home. This was their sign, a sign for lowly shepherds.”

 

Here’s a decent article: http://worship.calvin.edu/resources/resource-library/kenneth-e-bailey-on-jesus-through-middle-eastern-eyes/

 

I have to say, I often wish my dad were still around. He knew ancient Bible languages. Perhaps I need to follow Glenn Beck’s advice and find myself a good rabbi.

Halloween

Halloween is one of those things I’ve had to just let go.

I was formerly of the opinion that we should not celebrate Halloween – it’s not really a Christian holiday, you know? And trick or treating? Um, when is it EVER ok to send your children to strangers’ houses and demand candy? Bizarre. Plus, candy is not really something we should be eating a whole lot of.

And then Wally turned out to LOVE Halloween. It’s his favorite holiday ever. He loves spiders and snakes and scary stuff and armless hands crawling across the floor and brains and guts. He loves scary movies. He loves, loves Halloween. Really, not so much Halloween, as all of the Halloween “stuff.” So, fine. A good portion of our toys are actually Halloween decorations.

Then there’s the matter of our annual Halloween dance. Swing Des Moines has a dance the third Friday of every month, and the October one has always been a Halloween dance, and we encourage folks to wear costumes. So we have to wear costumes. Halloween costumes. Alright, fine, so every year we have Halloween costumes… I actually kind of enjoy this, to tell the truth.

And then, in 2008, we let Wally go trick or treating. He’d learned about it, and his cousins were going, and he REALLY wanted to go, and Genna was born the day before Beggar’s Night. We wanted to let him do something fun, just him and daddy. So we let him go out with his cousins. And he LOVED it. Mr Shy marched right up to total strangers and told his joke. He got to get candy, yes, but I think that was really a side matter. (Plus, we swiped most of it and he never even noticed.)

So, now, we pretty much do Halloween here at our house. Much to my dismay, but you know – it’s growing on me. We don’t worship Satan. The Pagan background doesn’t really honestly bother me that much – Christmas and Easter also have Pagan histories mixed up with them – I think we can pick and choose what aspects of a holiday we want to observe and which we don’t. I think as Wally gets a little older, we’ll talk more about Halloween and its history and background and what we agree and disagree with…